Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Love, Loss and Faithfulness

Today is a day of remembrance. A day of mourning.  A day of gratitude.  Today is a remembrance day for miscarriage and loss of pregnancy. And here is my story...

My husband and I were married for almost three years when we decided to start having children.  We already had the obligatory dog, so we thought, why not start trying to have a baby.  We were thrilled when the pregnancy test came back positive.  We told everybody; family, friends, even my class full of second graders. We were so overjoyed with love for this little baby.  We bought baby clothes, toys and a jogging stroller. 

Then it happened... I started bleeding. I was 12 weeks pregnant and the heart beat stopped.  Even now, 8 years later I am still mourning the loss of that first child.  We never thought this could happen to us.  At the time, we did not know any one who had experienced the loss of a miscarriage.  To say the least, we were devastated.  I asked God why he would take such a precious gift away from us. We were good people, went to church, lived our life genuinely, and Christ like.  Why would he 'punish' us? 

After a few months we decided to try again. Again we were overjoyed with the positive pregnancy test.  We prayed, we cried, we laughed.  We told our family and only our closest friends.   Although, we were very cautious. So much so that I didn't eat lunch meat for fear of bacteria, I gave up coffee, I limited sweets.  Whatever the baby books said do, I did.  After nine hard months our beautiful baby boy was born.  (His delivery is a whole other post).  We felt God had reward us.  We finally had a little trophy bundled up in blue!

When our little guy was 7 months old, we decided to start trying again.  I wanted 4-5 kiddos, and we wanted them close in age.  

I had another miscarriage. 
We tried again, again another miscarriage.  
I had an ectopic pregnancy. 
We tried once again, and again another miscarriage.  

At this point I was very bitter.  I was angry at God.  Why did we have to go through this?  Lots of my friends were getting pregnant and having babies, why couldn't I?  It was so hard for me to attend baby showers.  It was hard for me to feel happy for my friends.  I made harsh comments to my pregnant friends.  That is when God again stepped in.  Enough was enough.  I needed counseling. 

 I learned alot about myself through my counseling.  I learned a lot about God's character, and His forgiving nature.  I consumed scripture, and devoured God's presence.  I became content with God's plan for our family.  I learned that I was not broken.  That is what I thought, that if I couldn't have kids, then my body was broken.  

God is always good.  I know now, that if I hadn't humbled myself  I would not have opened my eyes to adoption.  I had to realize that adoption is not a confession of a broken body, but a profession of faith.  God showed up in a big way! My husband and I adopted our second son in 2009.  God literally hand picked him out for us and placed him perfectly in our family.  

While adjusting to a life with a three year old and a new born, we did not think about having any more kids.  We were completely happy and content with our family of four.  But God wasn't done.  When our second was only 3 months old we found out I was pregnant! (God answered our pray of having our kids close together).  They are 11 months apart, born in the same year!  God always answers our prayers.  He always has a plan.  It brings me great joy knowing that back in 2005 when we had our first miscarriage that God knew about our precious boys.  

Miscarriage and pregnancy loss is heart breaking.  I went into a very dark period.  Through out the years I have experienced 4 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy.  Through out the years I have also always experienced God's faithfulness and love.  He is good all of the time! I pray that if you are going through this same loss that you seek help.  Seek out a friend who has been through it, seek a counseling service.  But above all else, SEEK GOD! He has you in His great big hands, holding, loving, and guiding you.  Always protecting you and placing you in His big plans.  For me, I find peace in knowing that I have 5 babies waiting for me to hold them in heaven! I wanted 4-5 babies, God gave me 8!! His plans are always bigger and better!


For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

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